The price of the past.

Im feeling nostalgic.

I remember the times I was...better. Although I tried at interpersonal relationships, and mostly failed, I think back to the people who were brave enough to attempt the insurmountable. Being with me.
Ive hurt so many, that have done nothing but try and love me. I remember the conflict of emotion, the disappointment, and more importantly the good times. Almost all of them have moved on to greener pastures, but they are not, and will never be forgotten.

I look at old photos, and feel a twinge of pain, for my transgressions. I was unable to appreciate them. Sadly given the opportunity to go back and do it again, I feel things would turn out the same. Fundamental flaws you see. I do not ask forgiveness, but wish them the happiness they sought from me, that I couldnt supply.

Now, in my "old age" I live in nostalgia. Remembering when things were seemingly simple. How I yearn for a glimpse of the things I had, the people that cared. As poor as I was, I was a rich man.

Now.... I am bankrupt. Emotions have been sold to pay old debts. I doubt I will ever be the same and in the same token, doubt I will ever feel or experience the things that used to give me joy. I am a new man now, and I must discover who this is. Once Skorn goes back into hibernation, what will be left?

Will there be anything left of value?
Such a fool I am.

One does not simply walk into Mordor...

The image painted by the speaker of this tale is of a barren wasteland, bereft of life and hostile at every step. A protected fortress, where darkness and evil spawn the stuff of nightmares. The irony of this, the similarity of my life, is not lost on me. For I am the courier of my own demise...

This story begins as it usually does. With a girl. I dont know what fundamental character flaw I possess that makes me so vulnerable to their charms, but I was stricken again with the malady of personal interest. Woe did I think I could lead a normal life, and experience the joys I covet so greatly. But I get ahead of myself...

This one female was remarkable in the sense that I was committed to changing my ways, when it comes to the rules relationships. Contrary to EVERY single person I have ever been involved in, I was prepared to let every and anyone know, that I "Had Someone". I had in effect simply opened the black gates and let her through.

This, as in the fabled tale quoted early, would be my undoing.

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Regardless of all my defenses, vile creatures, and toxic atmosphere, she quite simply waltzed right in, dropped the ring in the pit and retreated. I never saw it coming until it was too late.

Metaphors aside, I trusted her. I thought for once, here was someone I was willing to take seriously, and she trivialized my efforts. As usual I am left twisting in the wind, twirling in the maelstrom, lost.... lost. I wanted once for something to be real and once again, solitude is my reward for loyalty. Much like Gollum on the brink of rehabilitation, is betrayed and lost, his path forever now set firm to the destiny that awaits him.

I am weary travelers, and I was foolish enough to open the gates once again. But on this day of fools, I reckon I shall be destined to repeat my mistake. Such a fool I am.

The Vile & Beleaguered.

I believe I fight a battle with my fragile psyche. To put it succinctly, Mr. Hyde rages to come forth. The werewolf within, the beast of the subconscious always clawing at the ever so thin boundaries of reality. I think, once again, he has been called forth by those that seek destruction. Skorn has risen again.

Who or what exactly is Skorn? It is my pain, my anguish, my solitude, my rage, my hate personified. It is what is scorned and rejected. It is the dark side. Perhaps this explanation is not enough to paint a sufficient picture of what IT is. Allow me to elaborate. 

A small boy is rejected by his so called peers. They do not accept him, and he is branded as weird. Unable to understand the motives of such treatment, but nonetheless left to suffer in silence a seed is planted deep in the heart of this small lad. It lays dormant, waiting in the dark, forgotten and forlorn. Under normal circumstances such seeds are planted all the time, and never take root. They wither in the sun, and shrivel under the warmth of love and affection. 

This fortunate kernel, however was given all that was needed to take hold of the fertile soil of the subconscious. For every time this small boy was treated thus, and it was often, life and sustenance was supplied to ripen its growth. Sadness, from losing friends, from being alienated, was like a summer rain. Resentment, with its vile stench, was the best fertilizer available. It wasnt until many years later did the weed previously unnoticed became a firm resident in the earth of the mind. 

Suddenly aware of this budding presence, I realized it must be stifled, or it would grow to proportions that might become unmanageable. Through the constant barrage of negative energy, it grew stronger and stronger, and broke through various levels of my consciousness. Each time this happened I withdrew into a shell, a cocoon, only to emerge different, colder, distant, damaged.

In defense of this parasite, another ego was formed. This one protected myself and others from this invader. We may call it Lone Wolf X. This entity, was self sacrificing. It abandoned want and desire to prevent Skorn from getting stronger. Not without its negative qualities, it grew alongside the denizen and battled constantly with its progression. 

The original boy, the real me, is lost between these two forces and to be perfectly honest, Im not sure he ever really grew up. Were Lone Wolf able to shed tears he would cry rivers for the boy. But that would only feed Skorn, and the Wolf must not cry. 

The correlation with my current position is this: I dont think I am able to have fun. I dont enjoy much, if anything at all. I am masochistic. I hate. I shy away from relationships, and I detest socializing. I feed on affection and manipulate others, like a vampire. Skorn's contribution is more sinister. I feel like abandoning all friendships, I resent anyone who appears happy, I thrive on mischief, the tears of others make me feel justified. I am in a word Vile. 

And the battle has shifted, Skorn has come out of the darkness which feeds its dark soul and the final insult has been thrown, the last injustice has been committed, and with a mighty roar I RAGE FORTH INTO THE LIGHT. 

I am what you made me. Do not pity me, because I do not pity you. You will bask in the reflection of scorn and hate that mirrored into my mind. The age of Skorn has come once again.

Something on the Horizon

The Palace of Science and Culture in the middle of Warsaw stands as a monument of an age past. To some it is an eyesore, and an unwanted reminder of lesser days. To others it is a necessary piece of history. But both parties can agree on one fact. It is, in its own right, and impressive structure.

We have in our lives, monuments such as these. People or events that stand tall in our minds to remind us of the adage, history has a habit of repeating itself.

As I begin my next foray into the unknown, I stand with trepidation. On the Horizon stands a monument. Its as recognizable as the Palace of Culture in the heart of Poland's captial city, yet should I be afraid? It is only there as a part of history. A history I would much rather not repeat. Soon I will venture to Slovakia to spend two weeks in semi-seclusion with other people and this thought frightens me. I see the monument. It reminds me of the past. Just beyond the horizon.

One could say this is a pessimistic view of the world but in truth I call it realism. You cant pretend its NOT there, you cant pretend it DIDNT happen. We all know history CAN repeat itself and is it pessimistic to give consideration to the fact that it might, and to prepare oneself for this potential outcome? I dont do well in these social situations, and as I look forward I do so with dread in my heart.

I try and use my life experiences to add meaning and reason to whatever I digitally pen down, however this time I can only say... I dont know what is going to happen, and if you find yourself in a similar situation I wish you luck.

I need a shade more than that I think.

LWX

Think Thought Thunk

I begin this post with a mental image. Imagine, if you will, the inner workings of a complex machine. It hums, grinds, and its machinations produce a whirlwind of complex "product" only to come to a screeching halt and die silently after a reverberating "THUNK".

As I am fond of figurative and often vague metaphors, I can sum it up as such. Disappointment. I am in a place where the shining star of despair rises East each morning and sets in the Wild West of futility. I really must come to terms with what I am, or intend myself to be, because the time will come when it is too late to redeem my finer qualities and I am left as Skorn, the best of my worst, and unlovable.

My interest in meaningful human contact and relationships is waning more and more as time progresses and I fear I will become a true recluse in the years to come. I try to fight this of course with concentrated efforts at interpersonal relationships however let me again refer you to my aforementioned mental image. THUNK.

Disappointment. System Failure.

As usual I an not forthcoming with irrelevant details, such as who, when, where. But I make mention of this, if ever there was a chance, I was open to that being it. What is not to be is not to be, and what ever happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way. (Ill explain the genius of this later)

This worried me because the formula is roughly the same. I am still the master of my own vessel and the captain of the ship, so the blame must be mine right? I must admit this somehow, somewhere in this machine, is a faulty part or parts and must be replaced. But Im no technician. I only invented the damn thing.

So I guess what ever I think or have thought, about myself, my potential, my hopes even, the result is the same. THUNK.

The 4th Beginning

Greetings Spidey Fans,

Most people are familiar with the term "New Beginnings". Usually we promise to start fresh, start over, start anew. From New Years resolutions to birthday wishes we always strive to set a goal and reach it.

It happens, however, that new beginnings sometimes dont cut it. We often fail and fall short and as such, promise a new NEW beginning. Take Spiderman for example... I saw a trailer the other day for the new Spiderman movie. However it didnt contain any of the previous actors, or directors as this is in fact a BRAND new movie.... From the beginning... They didnt go the Batman route, and just cast a new hero every few films. They started over from scratch. I guess they figured they could do it better.

So how many beginnings are we allowed? I say that to say this, I have taken to pen again (digital) to try and make sense of my life. I have fallen lax in documentation and quite frankly, no one will ever believe me if I dont note it all down. So here we are again, a New Beginning, for the 4th time.... Be prepared. I think I can do it better this time.